Happyish Holidays

Ah, the holidays are here!

It' s been a while since I've written, and just in the past few months there has been quite a life change. For one thing, I discovered that I love court reporting, I'm pretty darn good at it, and I'm heading in the right direction as far as how I want to eventually earn money. It's been challenging, both mentally, physically, and emotionally. At first just getting to school was rough. It wasn't until I learned that I wouldn't have enough hours to pass the class that I stepped up my game and forced myself to go to class every day, even if that meant limping to school. I ended up making up all my hours and going on to be the first and only in my class to pass. Yay. I just took my final yesterday so I'm done for now. I've been sick since last week, but much better compared to then. CRPS is no joke when you're going through a sickness, or even when going through your time of month, which I'm do for any day now so sorry if I get emotional (or if that's TMI).

We also got our first ever Christmas tree since moving in to the house nearly a year ago. We never bothered before thinking it'd be more work than it's worth, but for some reason, I felt like we needed to reign in some holiday spirit. And it definitely has made the house more homey, especially when we light the fireplace. Ahh, I love lighting the tree and the fire, snuggling with my honey next to my doggy and enjoying life just for that moment. It's really the simple things. :) However, that joy seems to diminish when thinking of holiday shopping, the crowds, the headache, and the walking that will put me out for days. Not to mention money has been tight around here. Guess I just need to meditate next to the tree and think of alternatives. We've somehow become the procrastinating couple. Well, I've become that way since I rely a lot on the fiance and he tends to wait until the last minute. Another thing that just makes me frustrated about CRPS is my having to rely on anyone else but myself. The times that I get brave and decide that I will just do things myself is when I overdo it and then pay for it. I get in the worst moods after overdoing it, partly because I'm mad at myself, and partly because I'm reminded that I can't do everything I used to be able to do. I still haven't fully accepted that and am still coming to terms with it.

Anyway, sorry to end this on kind of a bah humbug note. I have to flip the switch back to a positive mindset and be determined to pace myself this season. To anyone who might be reading this, hope you're holidays are going smoothly and happily. :)

Welcome to My Complicated World of Steno Shorthand

So, as you know, I'm in the beginning stages of learning steno shorthand with the REALWRITE/realtime shorthand system. I'm basically in preschool for shorthand. We just learned the entire alphabet and now are starting to write sentences using punctuation. Here's an example of sentences we're writing.

T

SPAEUR

TAOEUR

HR PB

TPEUT

T

KAR

RBGS

SOE

AOEUFRP

TKPWET

AEU

KAB

FPLT

Translation: "The spare tire will not fit the car, so I will get a cab."

Fun, fun!! Have to study this weekend for a test on Monday. At least I've been on top of my homework, even though I haven't been able to actually get to class. I'll be done with my last bit of HW by tonight, then I can continue practicing, writing, and studying (all the same thing) for the test.

Doing the CR Thang

So it's been about a month and I've started the whole court reporting school and it is SO freaking hard. I was expecting for it to be challenging, learning a new language, a new instrument, and how to work the instrument. I compare it to having to learn music theory on a foreign instrument, and then having to play an entire song by the end of the week. They cram so much material into a day and expect you to memorize all of it. But, I like it. I'm up for the challenge and I get competitive with myself. It's kind of pulled me out of the slump I was in for, oh, about 2 years. Two years of not finding a job, realizing I was virtually disabled, dealing with pain, not meeting anyone, staying holed up in a house, having friends and family being at minimum, an hour away. So it's been refreshing to get back out there and have purpose again. And feel like somewhat of a useful human being. Actually, I missed the last couple days of classes because I overdid it on my feet over the weekend and had to deal with the repercussions of that. I've still been practicing at home and trying to follow along in the book, so I hope that will help me.

Our teacher is this bitter old bag who is incredibly intimidating. During my first interaction with her she demanded that I call her "Mrs." instead of going by her first name. But whatever. She also thinks I'm a slacker because I always show up late -- it's really hard getting out of bed esp when I'm hurting all over -- and probably thinks I'm not a serious student, when I truly am. Also, I was the first student who needed to trade in my rental manual machine because a key on it cracked in half (what should I have expected? These are ancient steno machines that we're all mandated to use because she doesn't understand the new technology). No one dares to ask her anything, except me, even though we're all lost. I was intimidated at first, but now I just don't care. I'm paying the tuition to learn and genuinely trying my hardest so she can make her snap judgments if she wants. We're all, as a class, overwhelmed, feeling behind and confused and apparently that's normal for your first semester in theory. No wonder so many people drop out of school. The first couple of semesters are like boot camp so they try to test you to see how dedicated you are, and they sure do go all out! I'm going to try very hard to wake up at 5:45am tomorrow (so I can leave at 6:30am and get there in 45 min) to do some much-needed extra credit. I feel guilty for missing class due to pain, and when I tried explaining my situation to the teacher via email she replied that there are no excused absences. Wow, zero compassion or empathy there. I'm not used to such strict policies at the school either -- no drinking anything but bottled, capped water in class (even though our teacher gets to have her Styrofoam cup of coffee -- no lid. We cannot chew gum or eat in class or we'll be asked to leave and be counted as an absence. If your phone goes off, even on vibrate, it will be confiscated and you'll be sent to the dean. What is this? I thought I was in college. I guess JC's are an extension of high school though. I'm surprised they don't have a dress code. Ridiculous! But, I'm hanging in there and taking this shit since it's a solid program with a 100% pass rate on the state CSR licensing exam. It's just so much practice, memorization, and more practice. On the bright side, it's so difficult that it just can't be boring, but it's really taking a toll on my stress/pain, which already go hand in hand. We have a test this Monday that I'm going to need to cram for this weekend. Argh... I just need to think about all the money I'll be making when I get out in 2-3 years and meditate on that for a while.

So anyway, that's my life right now, consumed by CR school and practicing/studying. Dennis and I are also on a super tight budget so we can't go out as much as we'd like and I'm going a little stir crazy. My closest friends and relatives live about an hour away and it's hard to get together. I guess that helps me to focus on school if anything. But, on days like these when it's hard to even get out of bed, the last thing I want to do is practice, so I didn't. The day before I was glued to my machine for 2 hour-long sessions and came out of it feeling worse and even more stressed. The reporters I know through social support group sites and also my personal mentor tell me that the key is to write for a focused 30 min to an hour, then get up, stretch, do something else and come back to it later. It's the coming back to it later that I need to work on. :)

Tomorrow another day! Will I go to the extra credit class, or will I stay home to sleep. I'm betting on the latter, but hoping that I'll go. It remains to be seen...

Home Sweet (Vegan?) Home

Well, almost vegan. Dennis is trying to figure out his food sensitivities on an elimination diet. He's just eating mangoes, bananas, and plain carved turkey.

I'm HOME!!! After six hours of driving back home with pups in tow (I couldn't believe I could deal with them on my own, especially since I've been in a flare-up. They can be very pushy, stubborn, and overly protective. i.e., lots of barking at strangers because they have trust issues, but they're the sweetest dogs ever. End random sidebar.) I'm back home with my sweetie pants after being apart for 2 weeks. Felt like an eternity. I sometimes can't believe we went 3 years being that far apart and seeing each other once a month, if we were lucky.

Today was Day One of trying to treat my body well. Our fridge is empty, the sink is full of dirty dishes, and the blender has some weird science experiment in it thanks to the fiancé, but he promised to clean that all up tonight. Fingers crossed he can do it without me becoming a nagging wife! Anyway, so today I went to get some dairy-free smoothies from the local juice bar, 3 total. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner, yum! I also just had some plain brown rice, quite good. My stomach feels a little bit rumbly. It's probably confused with the sudden switch from eating whatever looked good to a rather strict diet of non-processed, whole foods. On my way to healthy living! Woohoo!!

***UPDATE since last post****

Nope, definitely not vegan! Too hard. Instead, we're just trying to be healthy, which is hard enough. We've integrated green smoothies though and they're here to stay. Our favorite is to blend mango, banana, kale, ice, and water. So good, but the mangoes have to be ripe! I'm not even really veg anymore. I still don't really eat meat that often, but when I do it's organic, free-range. I've never really been a big meat eater anyway. So, that's that!

Burlesque is more!

I really, really want to try burlesque one of these days. It's just so sexy, sensuous, empowering. Emphasizing the "tease" in "striptease." Hot! Maybe I can be as good as Coco Lectric. She is ah-mazing!

Just thinking of the confidence boost tickles me! Teehee! *shimmies away behind feathered fan*

Onward and Upward

Today has not been good. Couldn't sleep last night at all due to pain. It was 6:30am when I finally dozed off for a few hours. I was supposed to meet my mom for lunch before I have to make the 7 hour drive back down to my home with 2 dogs, by myself. She's surprisingly supportive and not making me feel guilty! Yay! I'm just taking this day to rest, stay in bed, and move if I really have to. Having my cattle dogs around me really helps take the edge off; not sure what I'd do without my furry companions' support and love.

As I mentioned in my first post, I went back to school to pursue teaching thinking that I could fix my broken feet before entering the field as an elementary school teacher. However, I was derailed and my feet/legs are more broken than they've ever been. Thanks, Universe! I spent a year trying to find a teaching job, in denial that I wouldn't be able to walk/stand throughout the day and I still could not even find a substitute teaching job. The teaching field is a dead end right now in California, a heavily impacted field with no job openings due to budget cuts and layoffs. The districts use their laid off teachers as substitutes and rehire them the next year.

The last year or so, while looking for other desk jobs in education and sending out a million apps with no response, I was also trying to come to terms with what else I could do. I was working part-time, telecommuting as a transcriptionist for an IT marketing agency. I wasn't very enthusiastic taking up the job, but I needed the money and could work from home. I soon found out that with my fast typing skills and my voyeuristic tendencies, I loved being the fly on the wall in people's conversations, learning new things about the hi-tech world. I met with a fellow colleague for help with my equipment (foot pedal issues) and she was raving about how she just finished school for court reporting, passed the state exam, and was on her way to being a professional court reporter. She told me the pay was fantastic, you work your own hours/schedule if self-employed, and it's a highly in-demand job (probably because it's nearly impossible to pass the state exam!). She's now working part-time while being a new mommy and making the same money as a full-time professional. It piqued my interest and I started researching the idea, shopping around at private trade schools -- way too expensive at $12k per semester, for 4 semesters.

Finally after a year of mulling it over, thinking about the what-if's of court reporting (what if I'm not good at it, what if I can't pass the exam, what if my pain gets in the way of jobs, what if I hate it?...) and mourning the loss of a would-be teaching career, I've taken the step of pushing all of my fears aside and going for it, via community college of course. The transcription colleague, who now offered to be my mentor, said you can get the same education from a JC that you could get from a private school because it all depends on how often you practice your speed-building skills, which is mostly done at home. Practice, practice, practice!! I'll be registering for classes on August 5th.

I'm very excited, motivated, and feel like I have a new lease on life. Purpose! I've come to realize that I can still have a career rather than resign myself to a life of collecting disability (for which I wouldn't even qualify because I wasn't granted the opportunity of working an actual career, therefore, I don't have any salary history). I'm motivated again and eager to learn a whole new world of stenograph machines, shorthand, and other shop-talk terms. I have always been interested in investigative stories and watching court cases play out, so I'm also excited to learn more about law. Also, with court reporting, you're not just limited to the court room; you can also do behind-the-scenes work in the entertainment industry in closed captioning or work in universities, captioning for the hearing impaired. I think I want to tale a similar route of my mentor and be self-employed, working in depositions.

My fear is that I'm thinking too optimistically rather than realistically, just as I did about teaching, and I'll be derailed once again. Although I love learning, I don't love referring to myself as a "professional student." It's a little embarrassing for me already to be 27 and when people ask what I do, having to say, "I'm in school...again." But, alas, I need to build a bridge and get over it, and move on with my life. Onward and upward!

Ah...where to begin...

I guess from the beginning of the pain and the end of what I thought would be a straightforward, clichéd life as a young teacher.

As the end of my collegiate years approached in the Long Beach State journalism program, I quickly awoke to the realization that I would be embarking on the road to becoming a reporter with a grueling schedule and little compensation. With that bitter taste of reality, I felt it necessary to finally be honest with myself about what profession I'd be able to happily pursue in the realm of "real life." As I've always had a knack for working with kids, I played off childhood fantasies of becoming a primary school teacher and decided to just go for it. My parents, staunch advocates of any and all types of higher education, made me an offer I couldn't refuse; come back home to San Jose and they'd pay my way through grad school. My mom, in the stereotypical fashion of a Chinese "Tiger mom", was especially excited over the idea of having a daughter with a master's degree.

Upon moving back home, the pain increased in my severely flat feet (so severely flat they would be considered "deformed" -- yikes!-- in the medical community) and started to affect my knees and hips. Once a month, my left knee cap would randomly become dislocated causing me to fall flat on my face, screaming and twisting with black-out pain. Not fun. I met with a doctor who seemed enthusiastic about my undergoing surgery so that I could be back on my feet, so to speak (pun intended, I couldn't help myself). Ideally, I could go through two major surgeries one foot at a time and recover while getting my master's in education and teaching degree.

Four surgeries and three years later (one additional surgery to take out a screw, another to correct a prior foot surgery gone wrong), I've now been diagnosed (FINALLY!) with CRPS (Complex Regional Pain Syndrome) --formerly known as RSD, Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy --and Fibromyalgia due to the the trauma inflicted on my feet by the surgeries. It took a whole year and a half of doctors -- some looking confused, others talking out of their arses -- mostly because there is very little, if any, research or information on this condition. They would send me around and around in circles -- from the PCP to the neurologist, to the rheumotologist, back to the PCP, then to the pain doctor -- before they knuckled down to try to help me. Unfortunately, because so much time had passed, my RSD has advanced to a point where my foot is now discolored and the skin had thinned out, exposing all sorts of purplish-green veins. Thanks, docs. Everything I've dug up on this disease says that your only hope to prevent the progression of the disease is to start treatment immediately after diagnosis. Mine hasn't been immediate enough, and so far nothing that Kaiser has offered me has worked: physical therapy, sympathetic lumbar nerve blocks, opiate therapy, scar neuromas, cryotherapy, etc.

Inspired by some awesome people in the blogging community (namely, this amazing and strong woman http://prefontaine44.blogspot.com/) and by my perseverant, insistent, and downright annoyingly optimistic yet loving fiancé, Dennis, I'm once again motivated to take charge of my health, especially since the doctors can't work any miracles yet. Starting next week, I'll be, once-again, adopting an anti-inflammatory, dairy-free, meat-free diet (I hesitate to call it vegan since, for one thing, I haven't decided whether to give up organic wild Alaskan salmon and, for another, not sure whether I'm ready to take on such a politically charged stance although I'm all for being cruelty free -- more on this later). The humble part of me wants to say that I will be "attempting" to adopt this diet, but "trying" implies failure and presents opportunity to create excuses.

So cheers! Here's to the beginning of a cleansing, from the inside-out! :)